I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
