Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
