mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
