i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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