i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
