Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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