did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
