you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
