From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
