You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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