And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
