Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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