fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just made my gag reflex go away.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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