he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
