I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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