my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
