wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
