my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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