I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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