i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
