I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There r osticjed everywhere
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
