If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Two words: blizzard sex
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
