but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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