went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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