I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
