I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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