Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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