He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
