blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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