guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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