Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
