I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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