We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
