Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
