when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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