it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
