my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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