Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
