he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
