That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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