I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
