Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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