her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
