Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
