it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
