i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
