Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Are we still banned from the library?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
