i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
