My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
