nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
